Does your marriage or relationship feel like a sham? Yes. Then, it is a sham. And, it is not a shame.
Knowing that it is false is seeing the truth of the thing. Knowing you want to end it, and now ending it is being responsible and adult for what you are unwilling to participate in any longer. This is honesty. And, remember it is not a shame. It served you for a long time, it got you through and helped you (and possibly your children) to survive when you didn’t know any better. You may have started it out with some false ideas, and now those ideas are being shown the light of day, are coming out of the closet and being seen as unhelpful and false, shame filled ideas, silly childish ideas really.
And, you are not a shame, you are not bad, it is not bad, it is not a shame. It is just what it is, and whatever it is that you are willing or unwilling to live with is also what it is. The answer has come. Good.
As long as it is a shame it is another false front of lies, and not seeing it all in a balanced way in terms of what you see and what you feel, keeps you stuck in terms of knowing what you want to do.
Some people live in a sham for a long time. They feel it but are kind of lost. They don’t see it. They just don’t want to see it, and they aren’t ready to see it fully.
Some people live in a sham for a long time, and do see it. They see how incongruent the relationship is with the vows that were expressed and the ideas and wants that are in conflict, and they stay with the other for various reasons: often for ideas of survival. How will I pay for rent? How will I be able to work and take care of the kids? There is nothing wrong with this. It can in fact be quite noble, unless one is experiencing abuse.
Often people stay in the relationship, because they see how the other person is operating, and aren’t ashamed. They know it isn’t bad, therefore they don’t judge it. They have found ways to enjoy life and be with others and do things with others that enriches their life on many fronts. They also know that for them it is a matter of timing, and they will know when the time is right, and when the ingredients are there for them to change it.
And, some others stay in the relationship because they made a deal, for better or worse. Yet they don’t see a problem with better or worse because they are primarily involved in a relationship with the Divine as they understand it, and that is the primary impulse, they only operate through that impulse. When the impulse to change things is clearly given, they will do so. Any suffering inherent in the relationship, is used to transmute the spirit and include an enlarged view of the spiritual relationship. It is utterly spiritual, and the basis of all interactions involve only new ways to challenge the Divine to show itself.
The impulse is operating all the time whether you know it or not. Those that are in touch with it more are lucky in a way because they aren’t fooled by any circumstances; circumstances are always seen as Divine order in the universe. The idea of shame is irrelevant to them.
The folks that run on the Divine impulse know that another person will never be able to make them happy no matter what. They are responsible for their own happiness, and also that happiness comes and goes, life is full of major challenges and disappointments. They are also aware that they can move and operate in respect, and that this respect trains others and paves the way for change even if the other in the relationship is stubborn and difficult. This one sees all the options and is willing to pull the plug at any time, it just isn’t a problem anymore.
Staying or leaving the relationship is a very personal and intimate decision. There is no right answer. It just is what it is to the people involved in it. Everyone lives how they want to live, but if you look deeply, if you are patient and asked for help, you will live into the answer.