I came across this guy on the internet who does video blogging, Jay Smooth, he is so cool and honest. I felt suddenly heard, and wondered a lot about what I’m going through on a content level, where most of what I’m aware of is on a process level.
The little haters in my mind keep telling me to stay put, say nothing, do nothing in regards to all the meditation work I’ve done and all the insights that keep pouring forth in my whole being because: nobody will ever understand this, and nobody, or maybe one in a million will even come across what I’d like to offer them in terms of support, and I can never make any money doing this because nobody gets paid for this type of work.
Go out and get a job, yeah it says that too.
Then I say, I can’t hardly work for anybody else anymore, I want to do what I feel called to do, I’ve suffered from doing “everybody’s else’s stuff syndrome” and want to know how can I do my stuff, and then I automatically see that my stuff and everybody else’s stuff is so interconnected that there is never any way out. It feels like I keep trying to get a sticky piece of tape off my finger and I can’t get it off, so what the heck am I going to do? I can’t figure it out anymore, it is so crazy trying to figure out WHAT to do, that I keep cleaning the house and sitting in meditation and going back to seeing how everything is interdependent, that there is no way out except to just live with the process that unfolds each and every minute. Yeah. No matter what I do I’m still doing everybody else’s stuff all the time, because of this I-WE thing that comes with enlightenment. Even the whole Mara thing–that is this hater thing that says, keep quiet, there are a million reasons to keep quiet and it’s better –is also It. What?
So that is It too? Yeah. Oh yeah. (deep knowing groan) So then what?
Then, there’s the wipe-out that comes from a fruition and then, even more understanding, no problem. There isn’t a problem, never was. I am in fact -NOT- in a very clear way. Try and come up with a career plan from that perspective and you find your self like Ramana Marashi in a cave for a few years, or Bernadette Roberts camping in the mountains for five months, or Eckhart Tolle sitting on a park bench until someone happens to come along and help.
So, I’m doing pretty well in that I haven’t jumped on any of those options, albeit tempting, and still want to find a serene solution to the vocational choice option that befalls all of us no matter how insightful we are or not.